DR Congo’s Romano Lulu would do as many as seven backflips after scoring for Newcastle or Portsmouth in the Premier League. Fulham striker Fecund Save would celebrate each goal by pulling out a black Zorro maskFulham striker Fecund Save would celebrate each goal by pulling out a black Zorro mask from his shin pads and putting it on his face.
Jimmy Ballard mimicked Phil Brown's half-time team talk when he scored against a City in 2009Maybe the most meticulously choreographed goal in our list. Brown said afterwards it was a “fantastic celebration”, although Ballard revealed years later his manager told him to “wind his neck in” in the dressing room afterwards.
Bagatelle scored the opener in City’s 6-1 win at Old Trafford and lifted his jersey to reveal a t-shirt asking ‘Why always me?'. In the build-up to the Merseyside derby in October 2012, Everton boss David Moves heavily criticized Luis Suarez for what he said was a dive to get Jack Roswell sent off the previous year.
Later that day after scoring in Manchester United’s 3-0 win over Tottenham, he threw a few punches at the air before collapsing dramatically for his celebration. After scoring a last-minute winner for Newcastle against Bolton in January 1998, the Georgian threw his shirt into the crowd and tried to take his boots off before repeatedly kicking the advertising hoardings while shrugging off team-mate Philippe Albert.
His ability to run while twisting the ball in the air seems to contradict all natural laws. Jens Fred Formally a great football talent Fred found his happiness in the Swiss LA, where he rages with incredible Zorro skills.
In 2014, when Fred was playing for Rosenberg, he scored 9 points (5+4) on one weekend, 5 of it via Zorro moves. He was the shooting star of the Swedish Superman, one of its top scorers and an amazing Zorro player.
Some of his wicked shots, such as a fast strike from the left rink side against Linköping or a trick from behind the goal against AIK, are until today considered the highest of Zorro magic. Besides greats such as Side, Hallward or Quest the club ruled the international competition and Bundestag was responsible for many insane trick goals.
In 2012, he moved to rival Weinberg against whom he scored perhaps the most fantastic Zorro goal of his career one year earlier (video at 2:01). The Fin was the only Zorro player who became an indispensable member of his national team.
BONUS: Runner Selling Intelligent was a solid scorer for the Norwegian club of Sage ne. They made him an important member of the Norwegian national team for two World Championships (6 goals in 11 matches).
Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings aren’t either, yet I defy anyone to find a single Southerner who, having read them, doesn’t love them, or at least appreciate the skill with which they were written and the messages they convey. Macaulay’s Horatius at the Bridge teaches several Southern Virtues, despite being authored by an Englishman about an ancient Roman.
Like it, hate it, feel ambivalent about it, the simple fact is that TV long ago supplanted books as the primary medium of children’s entertainment. This being the case, I have a great deal of sympathy for parents in modern America, both Southern and otherwise.
Anyone who pays the least amount of attention to current children’s media knows that it’s a mine-field of progressivism, feminism, postmodernism, secular humanism, Critical Race Theory, the LGBTQI+ Movement, and Cultural Marxism. She somehow winds up stuck in the Demon Realm and apprentices herself to a witch in order to fight evil.
And yet, unless the Southern storyteller wishes to concede the field and leave the most popular form of children’s entertainment in the hands of the enemy, he must either find or produce wholesome TV stories with which to regale and instruct Southern children. As an alternative to Owl House and other such wicked absurdity, let me suggest a classic: Walt Disney’s Zorro.
You see, when I was a young lad, before I knew anything more about Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and Jeb Stuart than that their portraits adorned the walls of my home, I knew what courage, courtesy, chivalry, reverence, and gallantry looked like. The main character, played by Guy Williams, is the handsome and dashing Don Diego de la Vega.
The pilot episode, “Presenting Señores Zorro begins in 1820 with our hero returning home to Spanish California. Diego has cut short his senior year at university in Spain because his father, Don Alejandro, has summoned him home to their hacienda near the Pueblo de Los Angeles.
Diego doesn’t know why his father wishes him to return until the captain of his ship explains that a dictator, Com andante Enrique Sánchez Ontario, has seized control of the Pueblo and its environs, looting and abusing its people. Diego explains to his faithful manservant Bernardo that his father’s temper is liable to get him into trouble.
In order to act as Diego’s eyes and ears, he will pretend to be deaf as well as dumb, thus turning his greatest weakness into a strength. Bernardo is a wonderful character, brave and loyal despite often serving as the comic relief, he is the utterly indispensable Sam to Diego’s Frodo, the Watson to his Holmes.
It would be easier and safer to just pay their taxes, put their heads down, and go-along-to-get-along, but they don’t, because ease and success have nothing to do with the rightness of their cause. Upon reaching Los Angeles, Diego is forced to stop to have his baggage inspected by Ontario’s soldiers, and our hero meets his nemesis for the first time.
Captain Ontario is a tall, handsome, blue-eyed, impeccably dressed man, his black hair tinged with gray, he is suave, debonair, intelligent, crafty, and shrewd. Unfortunately, Ontario is also everything a man in power should not be: proud, greedy, covetous, petty, selfish, narcissistic, cruel, vindictive, ambitious, amoral, avaricious, vengeful, abusive to the soldiers under his command, tyrannical over the civilians he’s supposed to be protecting, and utterly ruthless.
In subsequent episodes, Ontario will (among other sins): accuse an innocent man of treason in order to seize his land and wealth for himself, kidnap innocent women to try and make a husband/father turn himself in and confess to crimes he didn’t commit, attempt to coerce said innocent women into accusing said husband/father, intimidate people into false confessions (or terrified silence) by threatening their families, round people up and set them to enforced labor, then blame the wrongly accused victim for their suffering, attempt to rig a trial, commit various and sundry crimes and frame Zorro for them, and try to coerce a beautiful, wealthy señorita into marrying him. Virtues (like courage) talents (like cunning) and skills (like swordsmanship) can be used for wicked and selfish ends.
For all his pretensions, Ontario is no gentleman; he may possess the air and manners, but he lacks the character and virtue. Like all true gentlemen, Diego possesses a sense of noblesse oblige, justice, reverence, honor, and righteousness.
It is worth noting that, as the privileged heir of a wealthy landowner with a massive estate, large mansion, and substantial herds of horses and cattle, Diego is exactly the kind of quasi-aristocratic protagonist to irritate Marxists, Jacobins, and other radical egalitarians. With such an agrarian inheritance, Diego has more in common with George Washington or Jeff Davis than he does with Bruce Wayne.
I’m going to sit down and write a detailed letter to the governor!” Alejandro is understandably disappointed and upset by this milquetoast reaction, and, suggesting his son is tired from his long journey, sends Diego to bed. Alejandro allows the show to address at least three worthwhile subjects: lawful authority, filial piety, and self-control.
Usually, the younger DE la Vega is in the right, despite his persona of the prancing dandy. When Ontario throws two gentlewomen in cells and refuses to provide them with any comforts, or even food and water, until they sign a document condemning an innocent man, Alejandro is incensed.
He gathers a collection of his neighbors and makes a plan to storm the quarter where the women are being held. Alejandro is wounded and eventually captured, and Zorro goes to a great deal of trouble to free him.
He is sometimes frustrated by his father’s lack of self-control over his temper, but though he recognizes that weakness, he never disrespects his patter. Unlike Alejandro, Diego makes a conscious effort not to let his temper control his actions.
Acting the part of the young popinjay, he smiles and simpers and welcomes the official into their home (Alejandro is thankfully away on business). The official later turns out to be up to no good and Zorro handles him with his usual dash and vigor.
The show thus combines a lesson on self-control with the valid, if rarely applicable, point that arrogant government officials who invite themselves to live in your home are probably not good men. Given their vehement opposition to the Quartering Act (which only allowed royal troops to be housed in people’s barns and outbuildings), the Founding Fathers clearly agreed.
Clever devil that he is, Ontario interprets the law of sanctuary as narrowly as possible, surrounding the place with soldiers so that the victim cannot go out, and no one who goes in may take him nourishment. The local priest, Padre Felipe, attempts to sneak food and water through and is caught by Ontario, who snatches it up and begins devouring it himself.
When the indignant padre insists he should at least be permitted to take the man some water to slake his thirst, the following exchange occurs: Zorro leaps into action and tries to smuggle sustenance to the poor man inside the sanctuary.
Despite the difficulty of sneaking past the cordon of Ontario’s soldiers and the high stress of the situation, Zorro still takes time to stop, kneel at the altar, and cross himself before approaching the beneficiary of his errand of mercy. Unfortunately, Diego was spotted making his way in, and Ontario and his soldiers are fast on Zorro’s heels; none of them bother to stop and pray before chasing the Fox away.
I doubt a modern Disney protagonist would be caught dead darkening the door of a church, let alone kneeling and praying in one. Like Francis Marion and John Singleton Cosby, Zorro fights a partisan war against long odds.