And if you take a long hard look at the Internet, you'll have to agree that in the event of a zombie outbreak, over 95 percent of Internet-users will be combined before they can leave their padded chairs. New and potential zombies are a demographic sorely underserved by today's Internet advice distributors.
So, after consulting with the wildest-eyed experts we could find, Cracked has come up with the following guide for how to zombie to the best of your ability, and achieve full unlike self-realization. Because finding or even reading this guide may pose difficult following the modification process, we recommend you memorize all these steps now, before disaster strikes.
This hunger can never be sated, but don't let that stop you from trying -- in truth, a lot of the fun of being a zombie is in the trying. The problem with your new diet is the lack of necessary nutrients in human flesh -- a dietary deficiency which will be the cause for much of your bodily decay.
You can retard this decaying process with proper nutrition, which sounds simple until you remember that any food that isn't human flesh will look about as appetizing as a cat turd to you. Fortunately it should be possible to trick yourself into eating something nutritious, as your intelligence will have decreased remarkably during the modification process.
By dousing foods in ketchup, you should be able to make them palatable to your blood-seeking stomach -- we use a similar technique today with children, also presumably because of their hunger for blood. A basic exercise regimen can also help minimize your natural decay, and allow you to keep up with your primary food source.
Weight training isn't usually important, as the modification process will give you substantially increased strength, but if you wish, focus your efforts on shoulder exercises, as you will be spending hours of every day with your arms raised in front of you. Few zombie movies cover this point in detail -- evidently the sight of dozens of zombies trying to mount a 6" curb and collapsing one on top of the other like gristly dominoes, ruins the tension these films are trying to capture.
Science has proven that zombies work better in teams, and you'll find your odds of making it in a dying world will be substantially improved if you form connections with your peers. Combined children have poor centers of balance and are an excellent way to bridge gaps in staircases or ford small bodies of water.
To find friends, attend places where there are likely to be other zombies -- malls, deserted gas stations, cemeteries -- and mingle. The natural enemy of the zombie is the human, and those little pink bastards haven't made it to the top of the food chain for nothing.
In the early days of a zombie breakout, most humans will be pretty soft and doughy, and pose no particular challenge. But as time passes, only the toughest, stringiest humans will remain -- and they will be much more heavily armed.
When dealing with particularly ornery humans, try not to be the first zombie at the scene -- these over achievers rarely make it through feeding time with their heads intact. Hanging back like this is technically abusing your friends' trust in you, but it turns out that not having a soul makes this a lot easier to live with.
For some sick, twisted reason, humans love attacking zombie heads, and you can expect them to take no end of perverse pleasure in aiming for yours. Even something as simple as a colander can be enough to offer some protection -- perhaps against someone armed with a slingshot, or some uncooked pasta.
But don't get over-confident with a helmet in place, as humans are extremely adaptable, and will instead focus on your other weak spots. As noted zombie -defense experts the Wu-Tang Clan have observed, remember to protect ya' neck as well.
You're also going to be cut off from the technological advantages today's humans have, with their dating websites and sexting and teledildonics. Don't tell them what you're there researching zombie life though -- the Amish already have a poor impression of outsiders.
In the later stages of a zombie apocalypse, you can expect the most dynamic and successful zombies will be gathering, hording and growing precious resources -- building human farms essentially. Getty”ZombCorp has a great health plan -- your first two jaw replacements are free.
The job application and interview process will be pretty informal, and will probably consist of a short conversation and a grappling contest. Focus on your quantifiable zombie -specific achievements -- number of humans eaten, barricades demolished, malls sacked, that sort of thing.
It will of course be impossible to write any of this down, but taking the effort to smear a bloody stump of a finger on a piece of paper will show you have professionalism, in the exact same way that it doesn't currently do that at all in the human world. Your sex drive will drop off considerably following modification, primarily due to the lack of blood circulating in your nether regions.
It won't disappear entirely however, and you may find yourself feeling familiar and confusing urges again, perhaps when gazing at a gaping wound in the torso of a lovely zombie of your preferred gender. Safe sex is critical, but not, interestingly, because of the risk of infectious disease (definitely there, but irrelevant).
Remember that both of your bodies are slowly crumbling, so be gentle, and focus on pleasing only your sturdier appendages. This is not in any way satisfying, but given the tremendous gas pain you're feeling at all times, that wasn't really an option anyways -- also note that this position will mitigate the chance of orgasm, which would be profoundly uncomfortable for all involved.
That would suck like a gaping chest wound, so make sure to plan for your future and build up a nest egg. Capture and pen some humans in a safe place, being careful not to feed on them until you retire.
Then, taking into account inflation and the reproduction rate for humans in captivity, you should be able to live off that supply for the rest of your unlike. If you don't want to go to that trouble, Zombie Mutual Funds are a sensible way to pool your resources with other investors.
Emfs are run by experienced professionals who manage humans in a collective fund, allowing their population to grow at sustainable rates. You'll live like a zombie boss, or at least you will before the human military drops napalm on you and your friends and the little grave you buried your genitals in.
Update the question, so it focuses on one problem only by editing this post. However, solar-powered electric boats are like hens teeth in the real world.
From my point of view, fill a bag with food, water and vitamin tablets (I do have these for my sins). Grab one of the kayaks from the garage, jump on the river at the bottom of the hill.
If necessary I could hold out for a couple of days on the reservoir the river opens on to about a mile away. Preferably a catamaran (this is London after all) but there's guaranteed to be something suitable near the docklands.
Long term problems: Scurvy, cabin fever, trying to get far enough away from every other Tom, Dick and Harry with the same idea, so you can get some decent fishing in. Advantages: You don't have to wait until you retire to spend the rest of your life fishing by the sea.
You might have to do a few coastal raids to get stores but if you grabbed a big enough boat and found sheltered water you should be able to set up a vegetable garden on board. If you're lucky, the boat's life raft will contain a selection of water purification systems and basic fishing equipment along with flares etc.
If you're less lucky than you can build a solar still easily enough (if you can't do this sort of thing you're going to die anyway, there's no point prolonging the agony), and stay close to the coast to gather rainwater. $\begingroup$Get your ass on a Solar Powered Electric Yacht equipped with fishing implements.
A Solar Powered Electric Yacht on the sea could potentially last years in the open waters assuming optimal conditions and assuming that you took on a crew with enough people to manage the ship. The sun will power your engines, allowing you to stay mobile, and it will also power your stoves, heating, and other luxury items, allowing you to stay comfortable while safe on the seas.
Irrelevant, just pick a yacht big enough that it stays steady unless it's really stormy outside. A yacht has plenty of room to store years worth of vitamin pills (that you should probably stock up on beforehand).
Zombies can't swim, meaning being on the ocean is perfect. Even if they COULD swim, I highly doubt they could climb up the curved, slippery sides of your huge yacht.
Long term planning (which in a zombie Apocalypse is anything beyond the current hour), you will want to acquire clean water, food, vitamin supplements and toilet paper. We are dealing with fast zombies, so range weapons are a better choice than the up-close and personal options.
With slow zombies, the knives, swords and sporting goods are superior because they don't depend on consumable ammunition. The details of your escape will depend on where you are, how close your family members are and how much you love them.
I'll assume that your beloved family are all with you when the chaos begins because all the other options lead to a quick but noble death. Then use the stairs to explore the adjacent floors, gathering anything that can serve as a weapon, food supplies and things to put water in.
When you reach the traffic jams, switch into 4-wheel drive, leave the road and continue your escape. Stockpile some food, fortify your water supply and start pounding your plow-blades back into swords.
Everyone Else : Find a big spool of heavy wire and build yourself a giant hamster ball. Then grab a canteen and a backpack full of food and casually walk out of civilization.
Shipping containers can be packed up to eight high fully loaded. They can be packed into a variety of ways as well as any structure can be disassembled and reassembled.
They are also bulletproof against most small caliber weapons should you have to hold off raiders Personally I'd start building a fort or even a castle type structure over a well or bore, so I'd have protected land to grow crops and a protected water supply.
Add some solar cells on the roof and some wind turbines, and you have power. The Best thing is it's also scale-able as you add more containers from a small family to a virtual city.