The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t... read more A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.
Categories Celebrity Jokes Tags Chuck Norris, TexasJokes, WalkerTexasRangerJokes When an episode of WalkerTexasRanger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faints. Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!” Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
I am over 18 \Tim's sitting around with the lads having drinks on a Saturday night. Late one night in the capitol city an Army deserter wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can't do this ... I'm a Member of Parliament!” Disclaimer: it's missing a key (previous owner lost CTRL).
I am over 18 I met a nurse who told me about the old man I was going to be helping out with. She told me that he had had a stroke a few years back and could only say one word. My Dad broke this one out this morning thought I would share.
They always try to cross subjects at inappropriate times. George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.
George suggests they go in, and he addresses the man behind the counter. At 7 p.m. open the whiskey bottle and smell it.
I am over 18 Six months later, a woman walks out of the ocean in a wet suit. She unzips the wet suit a little and pulls out a flask, ice and a glass.
Along with pigs in blankets and glazed ham flavors, they have the more realistic Xmas joys like Brussels sprout flavor. Ungrateful child flavor, moaning resentful relative flavor, and my personal favorite, drunken row and domestic violence flavor. I am over 18 Compromise their net, and they will literally die.
I looked at her with confusion and clarified: “What I meant was you're dead to me.” I am over 18 A Navy man, a war hero, attends a lunch at a Ladies’ Patriotic Society.
But in place of each atrocious word, I will... read more It seems like they started going pretty fast, then just...stopped.
As he lays there, remembering the good times, he begins to feel himself drift... read more “Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said.
I live in the Bible Belt and took a stroll around the neighborhood earlier in the week. He asked me my name, and we engaged in some small talk. I was about to leave, but his wife came outside, so I stayed and SAI... read more.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris mind is so sharp that he once wrestled with a riddle and accidentally killed the answer. Chuck Norris breathes air ... 9 times a day.
A Japanese man can eat 17 hot dogs in 42 seconds ... Chuck Norris can eat 42 Japanese men in 17 seconds. He simply replied that they weren't jokes then went back to his daily routine of drinking a mug of nails.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, 'Two seconds till.' Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.
Chuck Norris appeared in the 'Street Fighter II' video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back.
The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them.
The other Wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability. When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, 'Bang!' Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete. Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down 'Violence' as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash. Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not 'attempt' murder.
Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver ... and wins. The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet. Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called Unbarred. Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes bloodbaths. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris.
Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists. A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect.
When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay. Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean.
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as 'acts of God.' Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the Richter scale.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage. With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real. There isn't't a theory of evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Chuck Norris mind is so sharp that he once wrestled with a riddle and accidentally killed the answer. Chuck Norris is the only man who can fight himself and win.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live. Chuck Norris died 10 years ago, the Devil is just too afraid to tell him.
There were 15,687,516 deaths in World War 2 Chuck Norris is two kills away from the record. Chuck Norris breathes air 9 times a day.
The Earth doesn't rotate, it merely moves in response to Chuck Norris walking on top of it. According to the Geneva Convention, it is considered a war crime to use Chuck Norris.
WARNING: Emails w/ attachments from Chuck Norris should be unopened and deleted. Chuck Norris was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, for letting so many people live.
When he is alone at night, Chuck Norris likes to wear slippers with bunnies on them. Chuck Norris was camping once and needed to receive himself, so he dug a hole.
The first true moon landing occurred when Chuck Norris entered a long jump competition. Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
Chuck Norris was the first person to climb Mount Everest. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Chuck Norris thinks of the Laws of Physics as 'friendly suggestions.' Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball. Chuck Norris declined an invitation to join MENSA because he would have to lower his mental level.
Chuck Norris doesn't write books the words assemble out of fear. Chuck Norris wrote half of these facts, he likes his fans to be informed.
There was only one man ever to outsmart Chuck Norris, Steven Hawking, he got what he deserved. Chuck Norris was once put on the wrapper for a toilet paper company, the company field tested it, and it didn't work because Chuck Norris doesn't take crap from nobody.
Unamused, Chuck Norris raised one eyebrow with such force that the man spontaneously combusted. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator.
Chuck Norris challenged Stephen Hawkins to a game of tic-tac-toe and won in two moves. John Rambo is based on Chuck Norris' childhood... only its censored.
Chuck Norris can crack a walnut with his eyelids. Chuck Norris once stared at a carton of orange juice because it said concentrate, it exploded violently.
A computer company once invented a Chuck Norris operative system. Unfortunately it was a failure, since it ONLY obeyed orders that involved killing, drinking, or women.
When Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks people, they do not die of blunt trauma or tissue damage. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half.
Chuck Norris can beat Kasparov in a game of chess using only one pawn. Gravity is the scientific term for the attractive force of Chuck Norris.
In the beginning, Chuck Norris told God to make him something to play with and gave Him a seven-day deadline. Before each filming of Walker : Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer.
This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. Chuck Norris can separate mud into holy water and diamond dust.
He then uses the holy water to shower, and the diamond dust to trim his beard so no one else can have any of either. Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw, and he holds it backwards while doing so.
Chuck Norris's belly button is actually a power outlet. On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
Freddy Kruger is afraid to fall asleep, for fear he'll have nightmares of Chuck Norris. The deepest level of Hell is an eternal match with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris uses his beard to sharpen his pencil, that is when he's not using the blood of his victims as ink. Plugging Chuck Norris into any equation makes the outcome equal to pain.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states. Bowling is actually a sport derived from when Chuck Norris accidentally roundhouse kicked himself in the testicles and one broke free.
In a fit of rage he threw it at a nearby forest creating our modern logging industry as well. Chuck Norris invented death just so he could kill people.
Chuck Norris won the Tour de France ... on a unicycle. The crossing lights in Chuck Norris' hometown say 'Die slowly' and 'Die quickly'.
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that actually is 'his' way. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with 'liquid nitrogen and lava'.
Chuck Norris only bowed his head once: to plant the seed of life on Earth. Chuck Norris invented the car in order to give his victims the impression they could escape him.
When Chuck Norris heard about God, he thought: 'I'll let the kid play for a while.' Chuck Norris' character is called Walker because he never needs to run and enjoys the building fear as he walks after his prey.
Before each filming of Walker : Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records, it notes that all records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
Jesus could walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.